Frequently Evaded Questions

Q: What the heck is this?

A: Why, we're glad you asked. This is Price's Advices and Tom's Tips, the second most popular Internet-based advice column in Northwest Ohio. We give advice to people all over the world.

Q: No, really, what is this?

A: Are you listening? This really is an advice column. We don't pretend to offer useful advice, if that's what's confusing you. Our schtick, you see, is that we offer either really bad advice or no advice at all.

Q: So if your advice is so bad, why do people write you?

A: You got us. Maybe they're just goofy. Maybe they ask us stuff to find out what not to do. Yeah, that's probably it.

Q: So how often do you guys do this?

A: We answer two questions in each column. The site is updated with a new column every Monday.

Q: Wait a minute -- didn't you use to do four questions a week, with like two more questions on Thursdays?

A: No.

Q: Yes, you did! I looked at the archives. The dates are Monday, Thursday, Monday, Thursday, etc.!

A: No, they aren't. You're making that up. You're crazy. Next question.

Q: Okay ... so why don't you answer questions every day?

A: Because we have lives.

Q: Are these real questions? I mean, come on! Do people really send you these questions?

A: Yes, they do.

Q: I don't believe you. I think you just make them up.

A: Well, you're wrong. Of course, we had to make 'em up for a while when we first started, but we haven't had to make any questions up for a long, long time.

Q: Liar liar pants on fire!

A: We are rubber, you are glue. It bounces off us and sticks to you.

Q: Touché. So why do you guys do this, anyway?

A: We have no lives, and therefore nothing better to do. Frankly, we're sick of it and we'd love to stop, but the demand from the public is simply too great for us to hang it up now.

Q: Wait a minute -- while ago, you said you couldn't answer questions every day because you had lives!

A: We were just kidding. And by the way, if you're not going to ask a question, stop putting the Q in front of what you're saying.

Q: Sorry.

A: Like that.

Q: One last thing: Why do bad things happen to good people?

A: We neither know nor care. That's it. No more questions. This interview is over.