| November 30, 1998 |
Dear Price and Tom,Tom: Mall bangs? What the heck are mall bangs? Is that when a bunch of employees from rival malls get together and "rumble"?
With all this hype about the 80s, what with The Wedding Singer and There's Something About Mary, do you think mall bangs will come back in style? I could really use the increase in business.
"Buffy: AquaNet & You Support Group President"
The Valley, CA
Price: Yes, I believe so, Tommy. But that doesn't mean I care.
Tom: What is that supposed to mean?
Price: Look at this sorry excuse for a question! "Mall bangs"? This is what passes for question writing these days? Please! I could pull better questions, among other things, out of Richard Gere's rear end.
Tom: I do not doubt you for one second. But this question isn't really that bad.
Price: What do you mean, "it's not that bad"? One, it's a blatant attempt to cash in on the recent 80s nostalgia.
Tom: Ah, the 80s: when a bunch of guys could throw on makeup, tease their hair, learn how to play three chords on an electric guitar, and fill an arena with Dungeons and Dragons-playing loser boys and big-haired trailer trash girls.
Price: Yes, please, let's relive that gilded era. Two, this question is not even a real request for advice! It's simply a yes/no question about, of all things, hair! Now, Tommy and I know very little about anything, but we know even littler about hair.
Tom: Much more littler. Not that it's ever stopped us before. But still, Price, I can't help wonder why you're so peeved about this particular question.
Price: It's not just this question, Tommy. It's this whole stupid web site thingy. Who are we kidding? It's such a waste of time! No one reads this crap. No one cares.
Tom: Of course, I have grown accustomed to no one caring about me in both my private and professional life.
Price: How is it?
Tom: It's quite liberating, actually. You find that if no one really cares about you, you can do whatever you want! You can run wild and free, mocking the primitive morés of this society! You can spit in the face of convention, and the world is your oyster! Why, you could run out in the town square on a Saturday night, kissing the girls and shocking the town elders! You could drive at a high rate of speed in an orange '68 Charger, straightenin' the curves, flattenin' the hills, and ramping over every single mound of dirt in the county! Yee-haw!
Price: So what'd you do last Saturday night to celebrate your newfound liberation from society's moral code?
Tom: I ate three cans of cranberry sauce and watched Gremlins.
Dear Price and Tom,Price: Now this is more like it. While it's not a very good question, at least it's asking for a very good question, which is a very good thing to ask for. My faith in the question-writing process has been restored.
Okay, I've been a fan of yours for a long time, and I want to ask a question that will get posted. It's very important to me. I want to see my name in lights (or at the very least, on the computer TV) on your site, but I don't know what to ask you. So that's my question. If I wanted to get my question posted on your site, what should I ask?
"The Upright Man"
Atascadero, CA
Tom: Well, there is one little problem ...
Price: And that would be?
Tom: We answered this question already. Well, one very similar to it.
Price: What?!
Tom:Back on February 2, 1998. Someone wrote us and asked us for suggestions on what kind of questions we should get.
Price: I don't believe this! This whole week is totally shot now! Not only was the first question a total bust, now we get a repeater! Oh, I'm peeved now.
Tom: How peeved are you? This isn't gonna be like that time you got ticked off at that lady who cut you off in traffic, and you copied down her license plate number, found out her address, and sent her a fair but sternly worded letter?
Price: Oh, I'm not that mad. But I'm still pretty ticked. It's enough to make me want to give up this whole pile of crap for good. I've had it.
Tom: You know, my life sucks so bad that this web site has become the only thing that keeps me going. Without the e-mails I receive from complete strangers thanks to this web site, I am virtually completely cut off from any real human contact. Price's Advices and Tom's Tips has given me a purpose in life -- something to strive for, something to work toward, something that might bring about a little bit of good in a world gone crazy. If you walk away, can I give up that chance to make a difference in someone's life, to bring a smile to the face of a man who has known only sadness, laughter to a heart heavy with sorrow?
Price: Well, can you?
Tom: You bet I can, cuz I'm sick of it too! What a waste of my time! I could be watching TV right now!
Price: There's really nothing on worth watching right now.
Tom: What does it matter? It's still TV! TV has never let me down before!
Price: You're right! TV is good! TV is beautiful and reliable! We've been relying on these so-called "fans" for too long now! I say, heck with 'em! Let 'em advise themselves! We ain't their mommy and daddy!
Tom: You letter writers sicken me. "Oh, give me advice! Oh, look at me, I'm on the Internet because two guys from Findlay, Ohio answered my question!"
Price: That's it. We quit.
Tom: We are outta here.
Price: Hmmm.
Tom: What?
Price: I can't help thinking ... there might be a way to suck some life out of this thing before we go.
Tom: You mean by re-releasing classic Price and Tom columns in a new, digitally remastered format, adding in new advice that was originally edited out and redoing some of our now-outdated special effects?
Price: I was thinking more along the lines of baking cupcakes in the shape of our faces, but your idea is even better! Price and Tom: The Special Edition! I like the sound of it!
Tom: So, like, over the next month, we could release one specially digitally remastered and enhanced classic Price and Tom column each week.
Price: Leading up to January, when we unleash the stunning retrospective of our first two years in the business: Price and Tom: 730 Days Down the Crapper!
Tom: It will be a beautiful thing.
Price: I can only think of one word that describes this project: synergy.
Tom: I don't know what that means.
Price: Nor do I, but I saw it in Entertainment Weekly and danged if I ain't gonna use it in a sentence!
Is this it for Price's Advices and Tom's Tips? Are they finally giving up after two years? Tune in next Monday (Dec. 7) for the first installment of Price and Tom: The Special Edition, complete with stunning, all-new visual effects and added footage! Don't miss it! Well, if you do miss it, it's not like you can't come on Tuesday and it won't be up. I mean, it's up for a whole week. So you could, like, come on Wednesday, or even Thursday, and it's still gonna be there. I mean, where's it gonna go? Really. But seriously, come back next Monday. Please.